For a little over a week, I've been struggling with something and it's taken some time for me to figure out how to articulate it. Specifically, I want to be able to understand why I end up feeling like I do after certain interactions and how it haunts me for days, sometimes even weeks after.
Yes, yes, I know that rejection sensitive dysphoria is a thing, and I'm really pretty quite sure that I'm ADHD which predisposes me to it. That only plays a part of it. It's not the whole thing. So, I'm going to just kind of... brain dump I guess? ...
I am very tired.
I don't like Elon Musk. I don't like his politics or his attitude or his racism or his transphobia etc. etc. etc. I could go on.
And I will.
I don't like that he claims he's a self-made man when he grew up the son of a rich white couple one of whom owned half the interest of an emerald mine in Apartheid South Africa.
I don't like that he lies about what his cars can--or will soon be able to do.
I don't like that he called a guy trying to save some trapped kids in Thailand a pedophile because said guy poo-pooed his mini-submarine idea... ...
Okay so, I stayed up way too late ruminating about something and I decided to just pour it all out of me in one big burst of semi-creative essay writing. Apologies if this kind of meanders about, I didn't have any plan or structure built for this, it just sort of gushed forth.
Radical Empathy is Fucking Dope
Who doesn't love a good kung-fu movie? Or maybe the odd Marvel movie? I know it's kind of mainstream right now to shit all over Marvel movies for being junk-food media and yeah, a lot of them are, but that's okay. Sometimes, it's okay to have a fun, silly, enjoyable movie that may or may not have much substance to it... ...
Galaxy Quest is a fantastic movie--ignoring for the moment the problematic nature of at least one of the actors in it. It has such a fantastic premise, a character driven story that demonstrates growth on everyone's part (even if it's only a small amount), and has a resolution that feels so sincere and heartfelt. The thing--however--that I've been pondering a lot about lately is the notion of the race known as the Thermians. These are creatures that are highly advanced, able to make themselves appear human despite being sort of octopoidal (and honestly, that form is kinda cute? Not monstrous but... ...
I have recently become obsessed with the song "Welcome to the Internet" by Bo Burnham from his Netflix special "Inside". It is a masterpiece of satire, commentary, and creativity.
Why have I become obsessed with it? Well, I should specify that I have become obsessed with it again.
I watched the special back when it came out and thought the whole thing was amazing, but this song in particular (and "How the World Works" which is similarly brilliant but that's another post) stuck out to me. I ended up playing it over and over on youtube trying to learn the lyrics so I could sing it myself. ...
Been having some thoughts about things lately
First up, I can't help but notice a trend with regards to my writing. Anything that demonstrates gender transformation tends to be male to female or something similar. More rarely do I show someone identifying as female gaining male genitals (though it does happen) and even then they do not stop identifying as at least mostly feminine. I don't think I have anything I've written demonstrating someone who identifies as female becoming a new form where they identify as at last mostly masculine.
I want to make it clear that I have no problem with this idea. ...
Previous job ended a good while back. I don't miss it, but the cash flow is definitely missed. I have--however--secured another job. I'm still in training (I've only been there for a week) and I was brought on as a contractor rather than direct hire... which... thanks for that... if I had wanted to go through a staffing agency, I would have... especially because the staffing agency I HAD been working through had been practically dead freaking silent since I started back up with them.
Anyway... you might have noticed that for a while, this site had been pretty blank. ...
So, if you've been paying attention to the feed here on my blog, you'll no doubt notice I was on a pretty steep downward trend there for a while. Weeeeell... I ended up hitting rock bottom. I had me a full blown breakdown panic attack at work--there in the office--and handed in my notice.
That was more than a month ago. I've been unemployed for about a month. I'm looking for a job currently and I've got a bit of savings to live off of for a bit... but I'd like to get employed again pretty soon. But being away from that super stressful environment has been good. ...
Assholes are like opinions. Everyone's got one and it lets others know your full of shit...
Okay so that was funnier in my head but whatever, it's my blog, you can close the window if you don't like my dumb humor.
I was perusing twitter recently (in before someone says 'well there's your problem') and I saw someone talking about the Orville and how it's so much better than any actual Star Trek in the last 20 years. It reminded me that they--and several others I encounter online--have some pretty strong opinions of things like New Star Trek (Disco, Picard, etc). ...
It's been quite a while since my last post, I should post more frequently so people who visit here know that I'm still alive.
I'm just kidding! No one checks here to see if I'm alive!
Anyway, wanna know what's been going on with me? Well feel free to read on, just be aware it's very ranty and very venty and work-stuff and I will not be charitable. I recognize plenty of people have it way worse than me, and I don't want to minimize or trivialize what they're going through, but this is my experience and I have GOT to get it out, otherwise I will just fucking explode. ...
Do you ever have one of those moments that's just like being struck by lightning, or you've been in a dark cave for ages and you finally found your way to the surface and that strong beam of light is blinding you with the clarity of direction?
Yeah, had me one of those.
See, I got me a lotta issues (which I'm sure you might be able to determine for yourself if you've read anything of this blog for any length of time) and working through them is hard. Doubly so when you know you need a therapist, but they cost an arm and a leg, and you're already down a limb and a half covering your regular expenses. ...
And so the world ended.
None who live today recall how it happened, or even that it happened. Therein lies the curious notion of 'the end of the world'. How arrogant to assume the world ends when it is merely a world that ends. Another grows to replace it. Nature creeps back in to reassert herself in regions where she had been squashed. Once vast and shining cities crumbled. Monuments to the existence of those who built that 'world' now either stand completely concealed in vegetation, or have been reclaimed entirely by the earth.
The people who lived here have passed out of the memory of most all who have taken up residence. ...
I bought Ring Fit Adventure a couple of days ago, and immediately after, I had a serious mood crash where I just didn't want to do a god damned thing. I ate only once that day (dinner) and then went almost immediately to bed. It SUCKED, but worse than that, I was beginning to fall into the trap I was afraid I would. I bought Ring Fit in spite of my concern that I would rarely use it, if at all, and it would end up collecting dust on a shelf somewhere, money completely wasted. Tuesday felt like a confirmation of that. ...
I've been dealing with a lot of self-doubt and shit like that this year. The pandemic hasn't helped. Nor has our shit-lord of a president or his cronies and the extraordinary douchebags that support him.
I've questioned whether or not I belong anywhere, if my "skills" are really worthwhile, if maybe it would have been better if I hadn't been born. Just your typical crisis of identity and purpose. You know... Tuesday.
And then I came across something on Twitter that really made me stop and think.
I'm slowly getting back into the swing of writing. Got a few things in the can, just holding onto them for the moment and will post on patreon when I'm ready.
I really need to get back on top of the current Amazon book too. ...
If you aren't in support of the protesters, if you support the cops, you are not welcome on this site. Unfollow me. Do not buy my books. Do not read my stories. Go away. Stay out of my life, out of my social media feed, and out of my society. ...
I've opened a page over on gumroad where you can buy my amazon stories! (only two are available at the moment, it's gonna take time to get everything posted there)
You don't need to buy SOLELY from Amazon anymore! You don't need to buy direct from me through Ko-Fi anymore! You can go there instead! Their rules about what is considered "pornography" vs. "adult content" mean I can post my stories there! Woot! ...
I'm writing this having just gotten home after attending Texas Furry Fiesta 2020 in Dallas (I live in Dallas, so I'm local, makes it super easy to attend). I feel like I need to get this off my chest in some fashion other than just talking about it piecemeal to various individuals online. There are things in this that are kind of embarrassing for me to share because I don't want people to look at me like I'm a danger to myself or I require constant sympathy or everyone has to constantly try to keep me engaged and entertained or whatever. ...
Warning: this is not a happy post. It contains subjects that some might find triggering or upsetting. This is just a kind of stream of consciousness kind of ramble so there's no real structure to it. Feel free to ignore.
Apparently, my sense of self-worth is really damn fragile. I
mean, I kind of already knew this. Five minutes around my dad and I'm doing my
impression of that emo kid on livejournal listening to Evanescence all the time
talking about how dark and awful the world is. But today it only took one brief
interaction to make me hate myself all over again. ...
The short answer: working.
I've been working my ass off at this new job. Normally, I get off around 5 pm so I can go home. However, there have been a few days where I end up staying late. Sometimes, it's only a half hour, which isn't bad. Sometimes it runs later, like until 6 pm. And on the rare occasion, I end up not being able to get away until 7 pm. That SUPER sucks. Especially since my commute, when traffic is cooperative, is at least half an hour. That can go as high as an hour or more if traffic really wants to get nasty. ...