Category Archives: Ramble

Realizations sometimes really suck

Do you ever have one of those moments that’s just like being struck by lightning, or you’ve been in a dark cave for ages and you finally found your way to the surface and that strong beam of light is blinding you with the clarity of direction?

Yeah, had me one of those.

See, I got me a lotta issues (which I’m sure you might be able to determine for yourself if you’ve read anything of this blog for any length of time) and working through them is hard. Doubly so when you know you need a therapist, but they cost an arm and a leg, and you’re already down a limb and a half covering your regular expenses.  ...

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And So the World Ended – short story

And so the world ended.

None who live today recall how it happened, or even that it happened. Therein lies the curious notion of ‘the end of the world’. How arrogant to assume the world ends when it is merely a world that ends. Another grows to replace it. Nature creeps back in to reassert herself in regions where she had been squashed. Once vast and shining cities crumbled. Monuments to the existence of those who built that ‘world’ now either stand completely concealed in vegetation, or have been reclaimed entirely by the earth.

The people who lived here have passed out of the memory of most all who have taken up residence.  ...

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Ring Fit, Physical Health, and Mental Health

I bought Ring Fit Adventure a couple of days ago, and immediately after, I had a serious mood crash where I just didn’t want to do a god damned thing. I ate only once that day (dinner) and then went almost immediately to bed. It SUCKED, but worse than that, I was beginning to fall into the trap I was afraid I would. I bought Ring Fit in spite of my concern that I would rarely use it, if at all, and it would end up collecting dust on a shelf somewhere, money completely wasted. Tuesday felt like a confirmation of that.  ...

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Recontextualizing

I’ve been dealing with a lot of self-doubt and shit like that this year. The pandemic hasn’t helped. Nor has our shit-lord of a president or his cronies and the extraordinary douchebags that support him.

I’ve questioned whether or not I belong anywhere, if my “skills” are really worthwhile, if maybe it would have been better if I hadn’t been born. Just your typical crisis of identity and purpose. You know… Tuesday.

And then I came across something on Twitter that really made me stop and think.

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If you aren’t in support of the protesters, if you support the cops, you are not welcome on this site. Unfollow me. Do not buy my books. Do not read my stories. Go away. Stay out of my life, out of my social media feed, and out of my society.  ...

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Gumroad account!

I’ve opened a page over on gumroad where you can buy my amazon stories! (only two are available at the moment, it’s gonna take time to get everything posted there)

You don’t need to buy SOLELY from Amazon anymore! You don’t need to buy direct from me through Ko-Fi anymore! You can go there instead! Their rules about what is considered “pornography” vs. “adult content” mean I can post my stories there! Woot!  ...

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Furry Fiesta post-con report

I’m writing this having just gotten home after attending Texas Furry Fiesta 2020 in Dallas (I live in Dallas, so I’m local, makes it super easy to attend). I feel like I need to get this off my chest in some fashion other than just talking about it piecemeal to various individuals online. There are things in this that are kind of embarrassing for me to share because I don’t want people to look at me like I’m a danger to myself or I require constant sympathy or everyone has to constantly try to keep me engaged and entertained or whatever.  ...

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Saturday Ramble

Warning: this is not a happy post. It contains subjects that some might find triggering or upsetting. This is just a kind of stream of consciousness kind of ramble so there’s no real structure to it. Feel free to ignore.

Apparently, my sense of self-worth is really damn fragile. I mean, I kind of already knew this. Five minutes around my dad and I’m doing my impression of that emo kid on livejournal listening to Evanescence all the time talking about how dark and awful the world is. But today it only took one brief interaction to make me hate myself all over again.  ...

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Where has Smokey been?

The short answer: working.

I’ve been working my ass off at this new job. Normally, I get off around 5 pm so I can go home. However, there have been a few days where I end up staying late. Sometimes, it’s only a half hour, which isn’t bad. Sometimes it runs later, like until 6 pm. And on the rare occasion, I end up not being able to get away until 7 pm. That SUPER sucks. Especially since my commute, when traffic is cooperative, is at least half an hour. That can go as high as an hour or more if traffic really wants to get nasty.  ...

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State of the Dragon

For the last month, I’ve been working a new job that I started back on the 3rd of September. I’ve been trying to get used to the schedule but it’s tricky. I have to leave the house early enough to get to work on time in spite of the awful traffic, and then the traffic on the way back is twice as bad. And in order to get up early enough in the morning, I have to get to bed fairly early. This means I have only so much time to myself after work. It’s frustrating not having but a few hours that I can spend however I might, especially since I have to dedicate no small part of it to things that I have to take care of.  ...

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September Hiatus

Hey folks! If you’re a patron over on my Patreon campaign, then you’ve already heard this but I probably should put it here too.

I’m taking a hiatus from writing for the month of September. I failed to get anything published on Amazon for August, and I’ll probably not be publishing anything in September either. Don’t worry, I’m okay. I’m doing pretty good in fact, because I finally got me a job!

I was starting to run into the burnout problem with my writing in August, partly because my parents keep invading with virtually no warning, and that’s only going to get worse as the house they’re building gets closer and closer to completion.  ...

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Reflection on the relationship between life and art

Several years back, I think it was around 2012 or so, long before the idea of Donald Trump becoming or even running for president ever entered the public consciousness, I had an idea for a story. It was about a public figure in the news, not so much a news anchor or a proper journalist. This was someone who was something of a pundit, though that word implies the notion of being an expert called upon to speak on a particular subject. The character was deeply inspired by people like Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Neil Cavuto, Tucker Carlson, and even the raving madness that is Alex Jones.  ...

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Follow up to previous vent blog

I had watched this earlier in the day, and I guess it churned away in my head amidst all the other things swirling around, keeping me from being able to see much other than the things about myself I don’t like. It’s kind of comforting to know that this is a real thing… but it’s also kind of a roundabout validation that maybe I repel the people in my life.

Anyway, here’s Wonderwall…  ...

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Vent blog post – feel free to ignore

I’ve not been in the best of mindsets lately. Part of it stems from the parents visiting. They don’t even have to do anything overtly damaging. Mom isn’t so bad. She understands to a certain extent that A) I’m an adult and B) she can’t force herself into my life if I don’t want it. Dad on the other hand is completely oblivious to the emotional needs of the people around him, to the point where he doesn’t get that a supposed joke he might find funny is in fact rather insulting. Any extended period of time around him is a serious risk to my self-esteem long term.  ...

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I need help, but I can’t get any

There’s a lot that I don’t know. I make no delusions about that, to myself or anyone else. So it’s pretty frequent that I come up against a task I don’t know how to complete or a project I don’t know how to tackle. I might try to muddle my way through, search the internet for guides or resources, but that only gets me so far.

Because I’m a fucking dolt.

I’ve lost count of the times where I attempted something and found I didn’t know what to do. Nothing I did brought me anywhere near the result I wanted. All my iterations and attempts were met with failure.  ...

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Sleep Schedule Shift

Over the last several months, I’ve been trying to get myself to wake up at a more reasonable hour. There were days where I had ended up staying up until three or four in the morning and then I’d be in bed until noon or later. It seemed fun initially, but over time, I got sick of it. I got tired of missing out on most of the day. I hate that I’m on a completely different schedule to the rest of the world. So I started using my alarm clock again (specifically an app on my phone). For a while, I would wake up with it, or I would just ignore it, but then something changed.  ...

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For those who need this (myself included)

My friend Riddle was streaming for the first time in a few days. He’d had technical difficulties and he managed to overcome them at long last. While we were all watching him draw, chatting with him, he linked the chat to a tumblr post that I felt like might be a very good thing to share, even if it’s only ten or so people reading this.

Seriously, this is an important bit of text that reading through can help in ways you might not realize until you actually have a look through it.

Also, go give Wil Wheaton some love.  ...

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Surmounting Lassitude

I have a hard time starting work. This doesn’t mean getting up in the morning and going to a job. Hah, I don’t have one! Be jealous of my lack of sustaining income ye wage slaves! (what I wouldn’t give to have a steady occupation). What I mean is I’ll have a daily goal set for myself, let’s say writing so many words. I know I can do it. I’ve proven that I can. I have a mountain of content I’ve created that speaks to the fact that I am capable of such a feat.

I’m not even talking about starting a project.  ...

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Random Late Night Thought – Star Trek Edition

When you look at everything that goes on across the whole of the franchise, from TOS to Discovery, even including the novels and other non-cannon source material, you’d think that there would be far more cases of mental breakdown among Starfleet officers than you see.

There are episodes where officers mind-meld. Their bodies rapidly age or they’re turned into children again. They end up sharing a body with an alien consciousness. Sometimes there’s a need to temporarily play host to an alien symbiant like what goes on with the Trill. What if you encounter a probe that makes you live out an entire lifetime in an alien culture within the span of just under an hour?  ...

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