Previous job ended a good while back. I don’t miss it, but the cash flow is definitely missed. I have–however–secured another job. I’m still in training (I’ve only been there for a week) and I was brought on as a contractor rather than direct hire… which… thanks for that… if I had wanted to go through a staffing agency, I would have… especially because the staffing agency I HAD been working through had been practically dead freaking silent since I started back up with them.
Anyway… you might have noticed that for a while, this site had been pretty blank. And that I had kind of nuked everything I published everywhere. Yeah… about that…
I don’t have an official diagnosis for ADHD, but I’m PRETTY SURE I have it, because the symptoms line up way too closely. When I feel like I have the time, money, and insurance, I’d like to actually get an assessment. Unfortunately, getting an assessment for ADHD as an adult is a lot harder than it is for kids. It would be nice to get an assessment, confirm, and then start trying to develop a plan to fight against this shit because… it fuggin’ sucks.
Anyway, I had an interview for a job that sounded like it would be pretty dang good–not as high paying as the previous job, but close enough that I could survive easily. They even said I interviewed really well. Then, a week after they said they would get back in touch, they emailed me saying they had elected to pick someone else. Gut punch.
For a week I was just kind of numb. Then one day, I just decided to leave town, go to a lake up in the mountains 5+ hours away for a weekend so I could be away from everyone and everything for a little while. It was pleasant, though I was still pretty numb. It was far too short a stay. I wish I could have stayed longer, but vacations are expensive–especially when you’re unemployed. And I started kicking myself for wasting the money on it when I needed to not spend nearly that much while I didn’t have a job.
But then… once I had a job… I wouldn’t have the time to go on vacation. Catch 22.
After I got back, I was starting to feel a little more normal again. Then I had a bad interaction with someone. I got snapped at by a friend of a friend–someone I’ve never had any direct dealings with but they interact regularly with someone I interact regularly with–and I just… I spiraled. Hard. REAL hard.
It triggered a shift in perspective that was deeply harmful–and I still kind of have yet to cast off completely.
The unkind words suggested to me that everyone who knows me better than this person chooses not to spend time with me–or even reach out to me–because they don’t *want* to, but they’re too polite to be honest about it. They don’t want to say “I would rather not hang out or chat with you because I don’t enjoy spending time with you” because they’d rather not be confrontational, to spare my feelings. This person didn’t know me or interact with me before, so they didn’t see any need to spare my feelings, so they just said what everyone else wanted to say–brutal honesty. And it just kind of… clicked.
Now I’m not saying it’s accurate. I’m just saying that in the moment, it made crystal clear perfect sense. And the take-away was “no one wants you around, you should just disappear”. So I did. I shuttered everything. I took everything down, I disabled my twitter accounts, I unpublished all my stories, I disabled my FA account, I dropped out of a bunch of telegram and discord servers that I was hardly ever active in because I never could seem to get any traction when it came to participating in the conversation. I just… shut it all off. I didn’t want to be a part of any of it. I didn’t want to be part of the local furry scene–because in my mind, they had made it perfectly clear that I wasn’t welcome.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria fucking SUCKS.
It can be triggered by any real–or *perceived* rejection. It doesn’t even have to be *real*. What the absolute fuck, brain? One person snapped at me on twitter and suddenly I’m looking up shit like “can you overdoes on melatonin”. (just an added note here: I didn’t try, I just felt an urge to look up whether or not it was possible). Even in my most vulnerable state where I just want everything to go away and cease to exist because I feel like the world would be better off without me taking up space in it… I can’t even be bothered to be more than an armchair enthusiast.
It does make me worry what it’s going to take to push me over the edge, to get up off my ass and actually make an attempt during a future spiral… but… well, I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. I’ve got too much other crap that’s much more present to deal with to worry about future spirals right now–especially since I’m still kiiiiiiinda in this one? I’m climbing my way out, but it’s a slow, arduous process, and those who know me, who interact with me, might think I’m doing just fine, that I’m in good spirits.
I’m really good at hiding it. I had to get good at it, because any perceived sense of “feeling sorry for myself” on my dad’s part would prompt “What do *you* have to feel sad about!?” and thus, make me feel worse for feeling *anything*. Hell, if I had *any* complaints at all, I was being unreasonable. Everyone else was allowed to be angry or sad, but not me. I was supposed to just be the constantly happy, well-behaved little kid, then teen, then young adult, then adult. So I’ve just gotten good at pretending like everything is good and fine all the time so that I don’t upset anyone and have anyone get mad at me.
That’s what’s really fucked up about RSD–you’re constant fear that people are rejecting you can lead to people *actually* rejecting you. A self-fulfilling prophecy that only further reinforces your RSD.
Now… just knowing about this should help… *somewhat*… but it’s so intense an emotional reaction, sometimes you just don’t have it in you to recognize and respond accordingly. It’s just a kneejerk reaction that you can’t stop–like a reflex action. But, knowing about it may help in the aftermath, when I’ve had a chance to calm down and start processing. At least, that’s the hope.
Regardless, these spirals are awful, they’re painful, and I want them to stop. I just don’t know how to make them stop.
As for my stories… eh… I’ll probably get them back up… at some point… some of them. I don’t know. I’m just… I’m still kind of struggling. The new job has me feeling very melted of brain due to training and feeling rather inadequate. But that’s my secret, Cap. I always feel inadequate.
Little by little I’m starting to feel like doing things that I used to enjoy, actually finding pleasure in them again. That’s something that’s been a long time gone–thanks largely to burnout during the previous stretch of unemployment and then the job that I had the mental breakdown at. I’m hoping that the standard work hours/week will help me feel more… me, and I’ll start looking forward to things again because I’ll be able to plan my time. When you have to work overtime every day, every week, and you don’t know how long that overtime will be, you can’t plan *anything*. And you stop having a life. Fuck any job that demands constant overtime. If they can’t get by without shitting on you, then they should not be in business. Fuck them entirely.
I’ve got a whole boatload of emotions about that in relation to the previous job but I won’t get into it here because… whatever, it’s not what this is about.
So yeah, that’s what’s up with me. I’m a year older (because my birthday came while I was jobless), I’ve got another job–that pays substantially less and will make affording life much harder, and my plans to replace my car are now on indefinite hold… again… sigh…
To those of you who actually took the time to read all of this–and especially those of you who have stuck around long enough to see that this is not the first spiral I’ve had, and you’ve stuck with me in spite of it–thank you.
Thank you so much. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.
I know how easy it would be to just say “well this guy’s got a fucked up brain and he’s just doing it for attention” which… I mean… yeah I can see how people would think that–hell I sometimes convince myself that I’m doing it just to garner attention and end up hating myself even more for it. I know how easy it would be for to just drop me like a Netflix subscription after finding out they’re comfortable with platforming casual anti-transgender rhetoric.
The fact that you’ve stuck with me in spite of all of that… you’re far kinder than I feel I deserve and I want to be better so that you can say your generosity and constant giving of slack will seem worthwhile.
I’m trying to be more patient with myself, but it’s really hard, because it’s so deeply ingrained. I’m trying the best I can, even though I’m probably not properly armed to fight against it as effectively as I need to be.
Going forward, there may be a change to how I post/publish my stories. I’m still tinkering with it. I dunno. Thoughts, feelings, and emotions on the whole matter.
Drop me a line sometime if you wanna let me know you’d like to see something get published again. I’ll do what I can–if my brain will let me.