I bought Ring Fit Adventure a couple of days ago, and immediately after, I had a serious mood crash where I just didn't want to do a god damned thing. I ate only once that day (dinner) and then went almost immediately to bed. It SUCKED, but worse than that, I was beginning to fall into the trap I was afraid I would. I bought Ring Fit in spite of my concern that I would rarely use it, if at all, and it would end up collecting dust on a shelf somewhere, money completely wasted. Tuesday felt like a confirmation of that.
Today, I was feeling some better. I'm still pretty mired with existential dread, both of a general, global nature, and of a more personal, unique to my situation nature. I hung out in a friend's stream, got some interaction, and that helped. Then I realized the time. It was already past midnight and I needed to be getting to bed soon, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I ought to at least put on Ring Fit and do whatever initial setup malarky it probably would require, just get it out of the way. That wasn't what I got.
All it did was show me how to put the leg strap on (you know, make sure everything is oriented properly) and what direction to hold the ring with the joycon installed. After that, I was free to do… WHATEVER… which kind of surprised me. So I did a round of light jogging, which was more tiring than I expected. Then I did a couple of exercise sets (really wanna work on abs/core mostly). After that, I tried the rhythm game, which was just challenging enough to not feel 5-year-old easy.
All in all, I didn't do a whole lot… but wow did it kick my ass. This is both a testament to the effectiveness of what Nintendo has produced and a condemnation of my level of personal fitness. If I keep at it, I think I'll actually see some genuine results. But therein lies the rub… I gotta keep at it. And knowing me, there's a strong chance that I'll grow tired of it and just stop using it. That's kind of me to a T. I try something new, the novelty wears off, I leave it behind for some reason. I hate that about myself.
I really need this to work, and I really need to stick with it. I just don't know how I can make sure I stay with it long enough to develop a habit. The inconsistency of my job's workload/hours really makes it hard to do ANYTHING consistently. I HATE that so fucking much. I'm supposed to work 8 to 5 (with an hour for lunch) but often I end up clocking in 15 minutes early because the clients invariably send work overnight, I end up staying late because the clients wait until way late in the day to send the bulk of their work, and I often end up not getting a proper lunch break. Sure I have time to sneak into the kitchen to nuke something and bring it back to my desk to eat while I work, but due to the time limit demands of the clients, I can't really get a proper lunch break.
Mentioning this to management isn't really helpful. They tend to just be of the mindset that "it is what it is" and "we gotta get the work done" …not if I'm violating state law by working through lunch. It's very much an environment of "the job comes first, everything else is secondary". Maybe if I was making half again as much as I'm paid, I'd be a little more content with it, because then I'd be able to afford a bigger apartment or even a house and feel like I'm actually making progress in life. Hell, I could watch my saving actually go up. But the job, compounded by the pandemic (and all the other horrible things happening in the world) just kind of crushes you under their weight after a while and you just can't be bothered to do anything. So… consistency on ANYTHING is a challenge.
I miss having a job where I clocked out at a specific time, no matter what. And the only times that didn't happen were actual rare special circumstances. It let me plan my afternoon. It let me plan my weekends--yeah, I have to work weekends. Now… things are… in flux. It's frustrating as hell. I want to set up a routine, start building some good habits, and yet work will not allow it. I want to make Ring Fit a regular part of my day so I can start to get some of the benefits from it. I want to be a better me. I worry that I can't. I worry that I'm going to fall back into the same mood I was in Tuesday and that it will become more and more difficult to get out. I want to get started with a therapist but that's expensive. I want to do all these things that I KNOW will help. But I worry that I can't.
Then I open twitter or youtube or what have you and hear about all the horrible, awful, terrible things my country is doing to its own citizens and to people around the world. I see the bigger problems rushing towards us and we just keep our heads in the sand. I find I need to disconnect, but I can't go anywhere. So I just put on a video game and mindlessly flow through it, because I don't have the will to do Ring Fit. I just want to sit and have a no-effort experience to let my mind go blank. Exercise has never done that for me.
Maybe it could one day, once it's a habit… but getting to that point is the hard part. I really hope this whole Covid situation gets resolved soon. Hearing that we're going to be dealing with it for a year or two just breaks me in half. I don't know if I can hold out. I need to see my friends--without killing them. I need to be social--without infecting anyone. I need to be able to unplug & go somewhere--without fear of exposure. I need a regular routine that I get to plan--but work won't allow it. It's actually made me cry a few times.
I actually bought into the lie of "go to college, get a degree, get a job, buy a house, buy a car, get married, have a family" and that in the midst of all of that, you get to have a rich, fulfilling life. God I was so fucking stupid to believe any of that. We have a very unhealthy relationship with work in this country and I've allowed it to be the norm in my life, with no way to break out of it. The system is too well established. I don't even know what I WANT to do, let alone have the skills to do it.
I'm not sure how to proceed from here. I'll keep doing what I can when I can. I haven't even wanted to write in ages, not anything substantive at least. It used to bring me joy. Now, it feels like a chore, like it's taking time away from other things I could or should be doing.
"Oh hey, I've got some free time, I could write! Oh wait… I need to get my steps for the day. Oh wait… I need to do the dishes, cook dinner, sweep the kitchen, take out the trash, take a shower, go to the grocery store, wash my clothes. Oh shit… now it's time for bed… no way I can write now."
And so it goes.
I get so bogged down with things I need to do that I end up not doing some of them and just sit on the couch watching youtube or Netflix… or playing a video game, and I end up wasting what free time I have. I hate it. I hate it so god damned much. I want to be able to do the things I need to do and have time to do the things I want to do and have a good balance between work and personal stuff. Hell my boss keeps saying she's all about making sure all her employees have a good work/life balance… and yet…
I mean hell, you can't have a work/life balance problem if you have no life to balance against work, am I right?
I also feel like I don't have a right to complain, or that I complain too much, that I'm just whining and people around me are sick of it. I need a healthy way to deal with all of this that doesn't irritate the very people I want to be close with. Unfortunately, I learned how to deal with a job you hate from my dad, who always brought work home with him in the form of constant bitching. And I don't know how to unlearn that.
Maybe the fact that these exercise routines are so short in Ring Fit will make it easier to squeeze in whenever I get a chance. I just hope I'm engrossed and engaged enough to want to keep at it as time progresses.
I do have a tendency to be capricious about this sort of thing… just another one of my many, many failings.
Why can't life have cheat codes? I'd love to turn off the self-loathing in my brain and increase my resistance to frustration. Also tone down the anger issues, improve my follow-through, time management, and tweak like a billion other attributes. Also I want to be a dragon. Why can't I be a dragon? Hell I'd settle for being a wolf… or a fox… or a cat… just let me be an animal person that I'll enjoy being.
Oh and I'd love a big bag of $20's. Give me one of those.
Or a dozen of them. Or a few dozen. Direct deposit is available.
Anyway… long story short, going through some shit, just like everyone else, wishing I could handle it better. Hoping Ring Fit works out because it's an expensive toy to just put away and not use after a few sessions. Just trying to keep it all together.
But everything's perfectly alright now. We're fine. We're all fine here now.
How are you? -- gets ready to blast the intercom then dive into the garbage chute