For the last month, I’ve been working a new job that I started back on the 3rd of September. I’ve been trying to get used to the schedule but it’s tricky. I have to leave the house early enough to get to work on time in spite of the awful traffic, and then the traffic on the way back is twice as bad. And in order to get up early enough in the morning, I have to get to bed fairly early. This means I have only so much time to myself after work. It’s frustrating not having but a few hours that I can spend however I might, especially since I have to dedicate no small part of it to things that I have to take care of.
But at least the job is pretty decent, and it pays pretty well. I’m hoping to move down closer to where I work so I can wake up later and spend less time in the commute either way. That won’t happen until November at the earliest since everyone’s going to want three pay stubs and I’m only about to get my first (specifically the first one as an official employee and not a temp).
Now comes the less fun part.
I feel like the honeymoon has ended. The paranoia has set in. What paranoia you may ask? The standard issue paranoia that comes with me trying to do anything for a prolonged period of time. I’m making visible mistakes, but that’s why we have auditors to catch those mistakes, which I correct. But most of the files I worked today I didn’t get any corrections back on. Now before you get hopeful that it means I did them perfectly, it doesn’t. I realized that I had made mistakes on them after moving on to the next, making it too late to go back and correct. It means the auditor found the mistakes and just fixed them without telling me.
There’s also the other stuff I’ve been learning, different processes, workflows, departments. I’ll work on one file, get deep enough into it to get to a specific part of the process, then start to sweat thinking “did I forget to do that on the last file?” which means I have to stop what I’m doing and go back to check. Sometimes it’s okay, nothing wrong, just my mind playing tricks on me. Sometimes my instinct was correct and I have something to fix. It isn’t often that I catch a mistake like that… but just often enough that it lends credibility to my paranoia which means going back and checking is better than not. And that slows me down.
I feel like I’m making enough mistakes that I’m annoying my trainer/supervisor. I worry that maybe they’ll start to realize they made a mistake hiring me and they’ll find a way to cut me loose. I’m not a temp anymore so it won’t be as easy as just telling the temp they no longer need me.
Oh and let’s not forget this other lovely little flavor of paranoia: I think there’s someone there who genuinely doesn’t like me. They avoid me. They don’t make conversation with me unless they absolutely must, and even then it’s perfunctory. I don’t know if I’ve done or said something to offend them or if it’s just by virtue of me existing… I told you… it’s a lovely flavor of paranoia.
I’m hoping that as things progress, I’ll feel better about what’s going on. My confidence will improve. My paranoia will diminish. I’ll learn more about the processes and make fewer mistakes. I just hate feeling the way I do right now. It makes me hesitate to do anything about leaving the sticky spider web of a safety net that is my parents’ support.
It’s almost like my brain knows I’m making progress and has to find a way to make me sabotage myself. I hate my brain sometimes.
Anyway, tomorrow is October, spooky time. I’m going to try and work on finding time to write without utterly destroying my sleep schedule. I really extra super CANNOT screw up what I’ve got started here. It’s just too important.
More to come later. Same dragon time, same dragon channel.
Which means whenever I damn please… remember… dragon.