This is just me prattling on about my own sorry self. If you have no interest in the self-deprecation of some rando on the internet, then by all means, give this a pass.
If you choose to continue, be forewarned, some of this might bring up some less than pleasant feelings. I believe the appropriate term is ‘trigger warning’ no?
Alright, last warning, from here on, you are treading into the unkind ramblings of my mind.
I hate it when I feel this way. I know my brain is just being a dick to me, but I can’t help it. I don’t know how to stop my brain from thinking these things. So I thought I’d write them down and you can see how absolutely stupid these thoughts are. Maybe I’ll see it too. I don’t know. I just want to get it out somehow rather than bottle it up.
I can’t help but feel like a failure all across the board on the not so rare occasion.
I’m thirty-five, I still live in a house owned by my parents, I don’t have a job, I don’t have health insurance, what money I do have is dwindling away, and I have no prospects for how to make any of this better. The many hundreds of job applications I’ve put in have all come back with no response or outright rejected. Even as a seasonal, part-time librarian assistant at the local library.
On top of that, I can’t help but feel like I’m on the outer-most circle of my group of friends, easily forgotten, barely visible, and maybe even annoying to those I would wish to spend time with. I know I’m awkward as hell. I’m bad at socializing and even reading social cues sometimes. It’s difficult for me to get out of my own head about this. I’m constantly worried I’ve said or done something wrong, overstayed my welcome, or something like that. I hate inviting myself over to be part of something because I was raised to believe that you just don’t do that, because it’s rude. The extension of that is not hinting at wanting to tag along as well because again, it’s just rude.
So, often, I end up spending all my free time all by myself. And when you have self-esteem issues like I have, that can be a not so great thing. My brain decides that I’m in need of “hearing the truth” like “You know WHY no one invites to go do things, right?” and then it goes on to explain why in great detail. From there, I just get caught in the mental loop and have a hard time breaking out.
Being around friends helps, because I’m not stuck in my head listening to my own hateful thoughts. Being around family CAN be helpful, but usually it isn’t, because more often than not they make comments to or about me that just plain hurt. They don’t try to hurt me, but they sure don’t try very hard to keep from hurting me either. My dad is the biggest perpetrator of this.
So, if I could just spend time around my friends all the time, then I’d probably feel a lot better more often. Problem is… it’s not my friends’ job to make me feel better, and I don’t want to irritate them with my constant need for validation and distraction from my own thoughts. That would just make them even less interested in spending time with me. You’d probably get tired of that one friend of yours who’s always a sad sack pretty quick too.
It’s just so frustrating that I can’t wrangle all of this. I can’t afford to go see a therapist, and even if I could, I have a hard time believing they would be any help. The last two therapists I’ve been to didn’t help me at all. One never really did much for me and even closed out each session with a prayer… even though I said I was atheist. The other told me I didn’t need to see him anymore because he didn’t think I had a need to. I’m sure there are plenty of excellent therapists out there, but I don’t have the energy to try to hunt them down. Or the money to afford them.
As for the job, I’m so desperate, I’ve had to give in to pressure and actually permit my sister to reach out to a former colleague of hers. She used to work for a specific company, the same where her husband still works at. She’s even said she’ll speak to him and ask him if he knows of any openings. But that’s in a different town, a place I’d rather not move to. But it’s likely my best shot at employment.
I hate having to ask for help on this point but I don’t really have much of a choice. I’m not a terribly appealing candidate due to poor experience, less than stellar education, and unremarkable skill set. But they keep telling me the company hires people for this position all the time, people who have no experience and need training. But they say the pay is pretty good, and from the sound of it, a damn sight better than my last job.
This moving to another city thing bugs me though, and not just because blue dragon in a deep-red state. As I’ve mentioned, I suck at socializing. I don’t want to have to go through the difficulties of navigating the politics of another community of people. I would be heading to an entirely different part of the state, where I know absolutely no one. Sure the furry fandom is supposed to be a great place for community. It’s provided me with the chance to make a little money on the side while I desperately hunt for a job. And yet… I still can’t help but feel like I don’t REALLY belong. Something I’ve struggled with no matter what group I’m a part of.
I’ll be giving up a circle of friends that I already know, who I can at least sometimes manage to get some time with, for a whole new set of people I don’t know and may end up making hate me because I’m so freaking awkward. And while I’m fighting to find a place to fit in out in this new part of the world (for me), that group I left behind slowly (or maybe not so slowly) forgets about me. It happened when I left home for college. It happened when I left the first college I went to, and I’ve already had more than a few people I used to hang out with stop reaching out to me here where I live now.
I can’t help but feel like this is just how it’s going to be, how it’s supposed to be for me. Like I’m not supposed to have long-lasting friendships. Like I’m supposed to be alone. Like I’m not supposed to feel like I’m part of anything. It’s all ridiculous to say it out loud, or write it down, but my brain won’t stop whispering in my ear that it’s true, or that I don’t deserve anything I have, that I’m a failure, that I will never be worth anyone’s time or trouble. And it damn sure likes to whisper to me how I’m so awful and that’s why no one wants to hire me.
Combine that with a less than sensitive approach to “encouragement” from my dad… and well… it should come as no surprise to anyone that I don’t have a terribly high opinion of myself. It takes a lot of effort to get out of bed in the morning when I’d rather just lay there and dissolve into dust like Thanos snapped me. It takes effort to look at myself in the mirror and not hate what I see there. It takes effort to push all these negative thoughts down so I can at least try to get a LITTLE writing done. The one thing that gives me a real sense of accomplishment, and I can’t get past my own self-loathing to actually get that accomplishment.
When I hear of other people, many of them famous, going through not altogether different kinds of thoughts, they mention how they remind themselves of the positives, that they are worthy of good things and such. I can’t find the will to say those kinds of things to myself. I just want to stop feeling like this, but I don’t know how to shut it off. And again, it’s not my friends’ job to take care of my mental health. I don’t want to burden them with this. I don’t want to burden anyone with it. It isn’t fair to them.
What I’d like is to just rewire my brain to like myself a little more. From what I understand, there are pills that can help with that. Unfortunately, without insurance, I can’t afford them, or even to see a doctor about getting put on them.
I guess time will just have to tell what happens to me. What I want is irrelevant. What my family says I should do with my life is what’s going to happen. That’s how it’s always been, and that’s how it will likely always be. I’ll move off to another city, get a tiny little apartment, live alone, make no friends, save up all my money, then go buy a little cottage somewhere in the middle of some tropical nowhere when I’m old enough to retire, then just… stay out of history’s way.
I don’t think anyone would kick up much of a fuss, not for a silly pervert like me.
Anyway, that’s pretty much all of what I wanted to get off my chest. I won’t hold it against you if you didn’t read all of it. Or any of it. It’s a pretty lengthy bout of babbling and self-loathing. It’s enough to get anyone down. And please, don’t feel like you need to offer me advice or words of encouragement. My brain won’t allow them to be of any real efficacy. Just go be happy for me. Don’t let me keep you from that. That’s the last thing I want.
At any rate, I’ll go ahead and give my customary farewell and bid you a fond evening. Remember to stay weird and be kind to one another.